I know I’m not right, I know those Tara Reid pics not only ruined my night last night, but also may have ruined your entire day.  When you cruise around the internet, sometimes you end up in the wrong neighborhood.  I didn’t want to be caught there alone.  Now you all are there with me.  But to make it up to you Us Versus Them and Kenya Moore would like to present you with an optical illusion.

How can one entire ass cheek hang off the branch that way?  Magic I tell you, magic.

-Brock

———————-UPDATE————————-

For those of you getting here for the first time today, there is a fail tail lurking in the post below that has left many people disturbed.  You’ve been warned.

Back in 2008, Us Versus Them asked if Tara Reid was ever hot.  I think she was hot for about 5 minutes while American Pie was still being filmed.  It was pretty much all down hill from there.

Is she literally falling apart?  If that band aid holding her arm on now like she’s Woody from Toy Story?  But that isn’t the worst of it.  This might be the worst fail tail ever.  Remember, that is saying a lot.

Kelly Brook hit you with this:

Paris Hilton Hit you with this:

But Tara Reid takes it to a whole new level of dollop destroying power.

Normally here is where I’d insert some acute analysis and make a joke about the dude with the dreads.  But I don’t even know what I’m looking at here.  I just ruined my own night.

Dammit.

Fail Tail.

-Brock

I already officially endorsed the new Big Boi Album, Sir Lucious Leftfoot: The Son of Chico Dusty on my twitter feed.

Let me preface this by saying I’m an Outkast fan, but I can actually let this whole album ride without skipping a track.  It goes hard when you need it to, the skits are well timed and short, there are a few smooth out tracks, everything.  All it is missing is a verse or two from Andre 3000 and it would be perfect.

I figured you needed a sample.  This is General Patton.

But my personal favorite is Tangerine.  Probably because the beat comes in hot and they say “shake it like a tambourine” about 50 times.

Buy that joint.

And although Glen Big Baby Davis tried to ruin it, Teach me How to Dougie has a hot remix.

Little semi-go go drum behind it, B.o.B. gets a quick verse in, and no…I can’t tell you why Jermaine Dupri’s 40+ ass in in this video wearing Famous Stars and Straps and dancing with a bunch of 17 year olds.

While I’m not a crazy fan of Mashups, but deep Wayne fans (like me) will probably appreciate this:

That Lollipop Dreams is actually a crazy mashup though.  So at least listen to that in the built in player.

http://www.500daysofweezy.com/

Via the Curator of the Internets MRod.

Enjoy.

-Brock

I had to run a few more of these Milian shots.  They really do keep coming.  I’d call them bottomless, but…that is simply not true.

Simply not true at all.  The cameraman did a fantastic job framing this shot.  One more, post workout:

Somehow I don’t think this is going to help the “burger” debate going on in the comments, but she’s still looking good for me.  She’s going for the MILF of the year award right here.

Yeah, I just scrolled back up to look at the first pic too.

-Brock

I’ve done it.  I’ve completed my magnum opus.  I’ve written a lot, but nothing has summarized my life’s work like this.  Assology all boiled down in one place.  Inspiration struck and I brought the message back to Us Versus Them.

I present the Ten Ass Commandments.  For those of you not familiar with my inspiration, please press play and follow along below with Notorious B.I.G. Ten Crack Commandments.

Enjoy.

I been in this game for years, it made me an animal

An assologist, I wrote me a manual

A step by step booklet for you to get
your game on track, don’t check for an ass that’s wack

Rule nombre uno: peep that ass on the low
Never get caught staring, cause you know
The booty cheeks breed jealousy ’specially
if her man peeps you, then your ass is through
Number two: muffin tops are not a good move
Don’t you know Big Girls are packing fats ‘round their cracks
Butt blends into their back (uh-huh)
You can squeeze mad cheeks of these freaks but they waist ain’t straight.

Number three: never trust no-boo-ty
These hoes’ll gel that ass up, properly pumped up
Fluff that ass up, for that fast butt
she got silicone in the tights to hype that ass up

Number four: know you heard this before
BBD was right, don’t trust big butts and a smile,

Number five: never trust females with a fail tail
I don’t care if they got big J’s , say no way

Number six: that damn Booty Pop, Stop
You think those pads are real back, you’ll regret it

Seven: this rule is so underrated
The ass and the thigh should be completely separated
Jeans might make it look real sweet, but if there’s no real crease
Find yourself a big draws beast,

Number eight: White chicks can have tail too,
Kim K and Mena Suvari got a mean angle two,

Number nine shoulda been number one to me
If you a fail tail you’re not for UvT (uh-huh)
If you ain’t packin cakes, you can’t chill with Lake
And Brock don’t even see ya, you are just a zero

Number ten: stay up on Assology
A life philosophy, a law not theory
If you don’t understand then you gotta go
Cause that’s what we’re talking rain sleet hail snow

Follow these rules you’ll always stay on Team Us
If not, you’re Team Them, you’ll never be with us
You’ll hear AHNT when we see ya, you can never shake us
And you can never take Us, ain’t got ass so
Your girl want’s to talk her J’s up, heard in three weeks
she went from an A to a D Cup

Heard they’re good fakes, and she can make em shake up

but she’s a fail tail, so the J’s ain’t enough, word up, uhh

-Brock

This weekend I was working on the Ten  Ass Commandments, and I’ve finished laying down these hot lyrics.  But then something started firing in on the hotline and we had some breaking news that is pushing everything else to the back burner.  What was the breaking news?  Apparently Christina Milian is recovering from her breakup with the Dream by going into full on “Screw You” mode.  How did she do it?  By letting everyone know she’s still packing heat.

That’s right, she broke out the spandex shawt shorts cat suit and went for a little jog.  Wait, didn’t this chick just drop a baby like 5 months ago?  But wait, there’s more.

She paused to get her stretch on and let everyone know that not only are the tights tight, but that they do not require the use of draws.  Then she kept stretching.

And stretching:

I’m just gonna wait here for a moment if you don’t mind.  I feel like I’m having a dream within a dream Inception style. I just need one more second…

Thanks, I’m back.  Angle 3?

The crease is still in full effect, that ass might be bigger now and the calves are still tight.  Lawd help me.  There can’t be an angle 2 in the archives, can it?

This is like a bottomless pit, it isn’t going to stop is it?  I’m just going to keep posting pictures of Christina Milian in blue tights forever, and it will satisfy you all for the rest of all time.  We will be stuck here forever, but we will all be happy.

Okay, there is only one left.  Even I don’t know what’s going on here.

Her body really is like an action figure.  That ass is trying to slide around the left, the hips and pelvis are staying tight and the chick is working hard to get her “F*ck you Dream” body back.

Milian in a bikini in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Last week, the homey H8torade posted Glen Davis doing the Dougie and pretty much covered all the bases.  On Twitter I said there wasn’t much to add to his commentary on this video.

Damn, that is still turrible. Let’s not forget this:

So yeah, I do have something else to add to H8torade’s commentary.

Glen Davis…MAN UP!

This dude just can’t hold it together.

-Brock

I realized last night that this had become unintentional ass week here at Us Versus Them.  That is different from Assology week, which was two weeks ago, or Ass appreciation week which occurs every week where the moon rises in the southern sky, whenever it rains, any week when Kim Kardashian leaves her house, and any week where my boy Lake Arlington calls up and reminds me to keep it real.  So yeah, as Ian pointed out in the comments…pretty much every week.

But dammit this has gone too far.  I’ve been running an investigative report on the Booty Pop underwear for the last 6 months.  I’m like the Chris Hansen of investigative booty reporting.

So I’ve been feeling on random bootys, testing the viscosity, trying to detect the subtle differences in viscosity (yes I did) between the padding and the arse cheek, using sonar technology I’m able to identify a booty pop from 20 paces.  Now I’m ready.  I’m ready to arm Team Us with the information they need to help lead the resistance against this diabolical foe.

Let’s start by staring the enemy in the face.

This is your basic booty pop.  They really went all out and found a real fail tail to work with.  She really has no ass at all.  Now in the field you are going to want to notice two things.  First, they’ve got the pads up high and tight, second, the booty pop is not capable of creating the classic booty crease.

Now let’s take a look at when they look like in action.  First jeans.

You can see our foe is doing things previously unknown to man.  The Booty Pop, along with it’s diabolical sidekick photoshop is putting up a viscous fight.  Those of you who have been through assology university will notice that the booty is super high, and there is a slight dip coming through the pocket.

How about a dress.

Damn you black dress.  how dare you take that angular 120 degree booty and try to attach a booty up high in her back piece.  These things can’t look right in action.

First…did she say bootylicious?

If you are standing there with one leg forward, yeah maybe you can recreate a reasonable facsimile of the good lawds greatest creation, but if you stand up straight it just looks like you are smuggling two George Costanza wallets in her back pockets.

Stay strong Team Us, the enemy is pervasive, next time we will tackle the silicone monster.  Here’s a little homework.  Would you rather encounter the booty pop in the wild and get her back to the crib before you find out she’s a fail tail, or roll up on a chick with ass implants that look like this?

One good thing about America though…Asian booty technology is still no match for ours.  The asian fail tail is too strong, and they are still trying to overcompensate.

-Brock

I can’t take it.  Did someone announce Tail week at Us Versus Them without me knowing?  It is like shark week on the Discovery channel but with booty.

Rosa Acosta was first discovered by Us Versus Them last year when she really brought the heat.

Check out the original post here.

Last week during the world cup, she brought her soccer swagger.  But this week she gets back to the basics.

Unlike Kim Kardashian, Rosa Acosta brings the obvious J game to the forefront every single time.  The the stomach and the hips are stupid.

The she can turn around and give the people what they want.

Can you believe this chick used to be a ballet dancer?  What dance company was she in?  The Dominican Thickness Dance company for bottom heavy girls?  Does she still have any of the ballet skills?

Apparently she does.

Does she know how to rock the money shot?

Apparently she does.  I haven’t seen a woman looking like she is being chased by a booty monster like that since Serena Williams was out surfing and had a giant humpback whale following her to the shore.

Can she get her Claude Van Damme on?

I guess she can get her “Lawd Got Damn” on.  That is completely unnecessary right there.  Who is responsible for booty shine?  They should get a bonus for the work today.

All the Us Versus Them faithful know I can’t leave you without that Angle 2.  If you’ve been reading the comments you know that the interns of UvT have been working on a new internet search engine that can find and organize all the angle 2 shots on the internets.  We’re still tweaking it, but it didn’t fail us today.  Interns!  Show us the results of your labor!

Yeah.  That’s right.  Job well done.  I’m a freaking diabolical genius.

-Brock

I keep coming up with new names for Kim Kardashian’s arse.  Last week it was the Halley’s comet booty.  A once in a lifetime phenomenon.  Kim, we need one more look at angle 2.

Today, I got about 20 messages, tweets and emails this morning sending me to this shot.  The Dan Patrick Booty, you can’t stop it you can only hope to contain it.

I don’t know what is crazier.  That tail piece, or the fact that people who know and like me send me emails with ass first thing in the morning.  Gotta love Team Us.

-Brock