Most of the time the majestic Whooty is seen in a static environment, like Kim Kardashian. But this young lady was captured on film in full motion.

I knew at the 7 second mark that she has a full understanding that she is working with non-standard equipment. I still can’t endorse the ballroom dancing class even when the participants are wearing sneakers and jeans, but I appreciate the passion by which this young lady goes about her business.

-Brock

About two weeks ago I wrote an article about fat vegetarians. Some people didn’t want to believe me. But now I’ve got evidence.

Prince Fielder is a vegan.

Prince Fielder is 5’11″, 285.

Prince Fielder looks like this:

Case closed.

-Brock

————-UPDATE————–

To be fair, Prince Fielder didn’t go vegetarian until 2008, I’m pretty sure he had a running start at that 275 long before then.

Tattoos have gotten completely out of control. A few years ago we did a rant about neck tattoos as if they were the worst thing ever. In the meantime, THIS has become the worst thing ever.

It’s a little hard to appreciate the grid detail on the sugar cone when the concept is so ridiculous.

That was the day Gucci Mane decided the only job he was ever going to have was “rapper”. I guess he didn’t get the memo that all the rappers who have been successful enough to do things other than make music are now getting their tattoos removed. Like Pharrell:

Looks painful.

50 Cent is getting his removed too. By the way, if you Google “50 Cent Tattoo removal” just go for the pictures, don’t actually try to pay 50 cents to remove your tattoos. It should cost way more than that.

So now there is a story coming out of Iran about a man who got a permanent erection after getting his dack tattooed. I know what you are asking. “I know Iran is supposed to be crazy, but not ‘dick tattoo’ crazy. What could be so important that you would get it tattooed on your junk? This dude left a message for his girlfriend. It says “good luck with your journeys”. If a girl is close enough to read your dick tattoo, there is only one kind of journey she’s about to embark on. I would have gone with “Objects in your hand are larger than they appear”.

Yeah. That feels pimperish.

Quick side question. I know tattoo “artists” aren’t exactly the first cut of society, but who had a guy walk into their shop and ask for a dack tatt and the guy says…sure, whip it out and let me see what we’re working with”? Who does that? Also, topping my list of questions I don’t want to ask, to you tattoo the dude au naturale and let the letters expand, or to you tattoo in the condition that he would probably like to have it when his girl reads her special message?

See the kind of questions you have to answer once you don’t turn down the dude who wants to get his stuff tattooed?

Finally, I have to imagine the amount of man on man contact necessary to execute a dack tattoo is a complete violation of Rule #1. Why do I assume that it was a dude? Because I’m pretty sure in a country where women are required to wear headscarves in public, grabbing and tattooing a random dack is against all kinds of laws and public health.

Since I’m on the subject, I just want to quickly address the problem of ill advised tattoos. Things that just don’t make sense. Where the tattoo itself is already a in conflict with the process of getting a tattoo. Like this.

I can’t tell if this is a warning or an invitation. What makes you get a tramp stamp of a bible verse? Even worse, why do you get a tattoo of a bible verse about love and faith that can only be read when someone is standing behind you bent over with your arse crack exposed? I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Paul had in mind when he delivered his message on love and faith to the Corinthians. Call me crazy.

So if anyone was planning on getting their junk tattooed in time for Valentine’s Day, the time to turn back is now. Just make some dinner reservations and buy some chocolates. It’s boring, but a much better play.

-Brock

I believe I’ve finally reached the point where I actually enjoy Rihanna’s vacations more than I enjoy my own. Why? Because she tweets out bikini pictures that are better than any photoshoot she’s ever been in. Like this:

Just hanging in the water, ass out, about to get her surf on. Gotta love an international superstar who is still willing to break out the butt cheeks for the whole world. Haven’t seen JLo’s butt cheeks since the mid 90′s.

Or this one:

I believe this was captioned “shaking it up to Rick Ross”. I’ve never liked Rick Ross’s music more than at this moment.

She even hits the gym on vacation.

If I ever hit the hotel gym and this was waiting for me the workout would be cancelled.

Yes, she had a third swimsuit in the collection.

I include this picture only because Chris Breezy and I have seen this pose before…somewhere…hmmm…

So here’s to my best vacation ever. Love and kisses.

-Brock

I don’t need DNA evidence, I’m just going to use common sense. Come with me now won’t you?

While Kim is the Kardashian who rose to fame with a sex tape and an inspirational tail piece, the most controversial Kardashian might just be Khloe.

Why? Well, some people say they don’t exactly know how she fits in to the family. She’s about 6 inches taller than everyone else in her family and she looks a little different. You know what’s messed up, I had their ages all wrong. I basically assigned them ages by size. But Kourtney (the little one) is the oldest, and Khloe (the big one) is actually the youngest. See, there is the important information I need from Wikipedia. I’m so glad it didn’t get shut down last week. How else would be know intimate information about tenuously defined celebrities. Anyway, in the most diabolically genius headline to come out of the tabloids in a long time, they are saying the OJ Simpson is Khloe’s REAL dad.

How many times has OJ Simpson been sitting around by himself and said “You know what? My life CAN’T get any worse”. Yet, dude just cant win.

I will say this, OJ Simpson was a good 7 inches taller than Khloe’s dad Robert Kardashian.

That’s Robert on the left right next to OJ with the Pauly D hair. SO that would explain Khloe’s size and height. It’s actually the first time anyone has come up with an explanation of why Khloe looks so different. That’s why everyone wants to accept it. But here’s my thing. Let’s concentrate on the story that had to go down to make it happen. There are only a few scenarios.

1. OJ Simpson and Robert Kardashian are good friends. OJ was kicking it at the crib and rolled up on Kris one night. For that to happen, OJ would have to give up his long proclivity for blonde women. I just don’t believe that happened.

2. If you take the three Kardashian sisters and you have to pick one to be the one who has the black father…wouldn’t you pick the one with the gigantic ass who loves to date Black men? Why isn’t anyone pinning Kim on OJ?

3. They are trying to say Khloe looks like OJ’s daughter Sidney.

That’s the worst evidence ever assembled right there. Those two women look nothing alike.

So I’m going to let OJ off the hook right now.  There is no way he is the father of Khloe Kardashian. Now everyone leave that poor girl alone. She’s already the big little sister. Now you are going to try to pin her with a probable murderer who is in jail. At this point OJ might want to be the father. Khloe is married to a Lamar Odom, she’s got a tv show and makes her own money. OJ would be on Maury hoping the paternity test comes back positive.

OJ…you ARE the father.

-Brock

I’m not a Republican, but these GOP primaries are getting more interesting by the day. 24 hours ago it looked like Mitt Romney was going to run away with the whole thing. He had Iowa, he had New Hampshire and was dominating South Carolina. Then today all hell broke loose.

Turns out he didn’t win Iowa, Rick Santorum did. Plus, when Yosemite Sam Rick Perry dropped out of the election, he threw his support behind Newt Gingrich and now instead of a double digit lead in SC, Mitt Romney is locked in a dead heat with Newt Gingrich.

Sounds like good news for Newt, right?

Wrong.

As soon as he caught a little momentum, his ex-wife (the second one, not the first one) dropped this bomb. Apparently Newt Gingrich asked for an “open marriage” right before he divorced her in 1999. It pretty much ruined Newt’s day.

Then he found out that Santa wasn’t going to let Rudolph help him deliver the Christmas presents.

Sorry, that wasn’t Newt. That was Hermie the Christmas Elf who wanted to be a dentist. I think I got thrown off by the hair. Somehow the name Hermie sounds more reasonable than Newt right now though.

I love the term “Open Marriage” because it sounds so simple. Who wouldn’t want things to be “open”? Things that are “closed” aren’t good. So open should be better. Two things about “open” when it is applied to marriage. First, you agreed to a closed marriage when you got married. That’s pretty much the definition of marriage. Second, “open marriage” is code for, “there are other women I want to have sex with.” The other parts of marriage ain’t open. Newt didn’t want to open up the marriage so he could pay two mortgages. Or double up on his life insurance. Or split his stuff THREE ways if he wanted a divorce. Or make sure more people could get back to the hospital room after visiting hours in case Newt was laid up for a few days. B-b-b-but wait it gets worse!

Newt asked for the “open marriage” in 1999, he was divorced and remarried in 2000. That’s not an open marriage, he had something very specific in mind. He could have just said, “this is Callista, I’d like to have sex with her while we are still married. That cool?” He wasn’t “open”, he wanted a the marriage contract to be specifically amended. He had a mistress and figured he might as well ask if it was cool before he blew his entire world up. It wasn’t. He bounced.

Then, inexplicably, he immediately got married again. He’s clearly into the ladies. Meanwhile, why is his second wife angry? Before wifey #3 was the side chick, she was the side chick. I’m pretty sure there is a law on the books somewhere that says that side chicks aren’t allowed to get mad when they get hit with side chick karma. You know your man cheats. He was cheating when he met you. Don’t get mad when he does it again.

So Newt, how many ladies is it going to take to keep you happy?

Just 1? You know I don’t believe that. Come on man, keep it real.

Two? That seems more like you. But I’m really asking for a total here. You’re already on 3.

Thanks for your honest Mr. Speaker. I do have to ask you. You seem to be an expert on the ladies. You have to know a lot about relationships. What is your favorite thing about women?

An ass man huh? Are you trying to get the Team Us endorsement for the election? Nice try. I’m worried you might try to ask for an open Presidency and try to run Canada at the same time.

-Brock

Bill Clinton is a great dude. We know now that even though he willingly took on the most stressful job in the world, he still liked to have fun on the side.

The older that picture gets, the more hilarious Monica’s hat gets. It also gets more hilarious that Bill saw that ridiculous Smurf had with the bow and thought to himself…that is one fine, pretty lady. Bill is a pretty tall guy and Monica looks like she is holding her own from a height standpoint. But after this picture, I’m sure Bill’s imagination was running wild.

I know Hillary Clinton is not literally half the height of Kareem Abdul Jabbar, that would make her about 3 and a half feet tall, but she certainly looks half his height here. Kareem’s hands are so big here, he looks like he could literally facepalm her entire face.

Now I’m not trying to imply that anything went down between Kareem and Hillary after this picture was taken, but with the recent news that Derek Jeter likes to break off his one night stands with a gift basket of Jeter memorabilia, this picture suddenly seems suspect.

Now Kareem hasn’t worn a Lakers jersey since 1989 (Thank God Wikipedia is back up! Whew.) and he’s still breaking chicks off with that number 33. It comes all the way down to her knees too. Now I’m not sure what Hillary gave to Kareem. Maybe one of those certificates for attendance that you get in Elementary school? She needs to step up her post hookup gift game.

Either way, Bill is wishing he had thought about the custom basketball jersey back in the Lewinsky scandal days.

That could have solved the whole “Stain on the dress” problem. I’m just sayin.

-Brock

I have a confession to make. There are certain things in the world that just don’t make sense to me. Most of them have to do with scientific principles that don’t really make sense once you think about them too hard. Like airplanes. You really want me to believe that air moving over the bottom of the wing faster than the air over the wing is supposed to keep something that big that weighs that much in the air?

Even worse, cruise ships. They are skyscrapers on their side with thousands of people on them that float on water.

That thing is bigger than the whole island. Why is it floating? You want to know the worst part of this problem? When the physics fail (or an idiot breaks something) this is what happens to cruise ships.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been on  a cruise ships, but all the rooms aren’t sexy. Sure it is cool to get your Leonardo DiCaprio on and pretend like you are flying in the wind if you have one of those window rooms. But there are more rooms on the inside of the cruise ship that are just tiny jail cells with no windows. Imagine being in one of those when the whole boat goes sideways and starts filling with water.

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I already thought this was the worst story ever. Then it got worse. There used to be principles in this world. Where you could depend on other people to do their job. People would devote their whole life to their job, take it seriously, take pride in their work. Now…I’m thinking most of these jobs are just a paycheck. One of those principles…the Captain always goes down with the ship. I think the pirates or Christopher Columbus invented that one. It’s been around for a long time. It makes sense. Someone has to be responsible. Like I’m in charge of UvT HQ. When the fire alarm goes off, I’ve got to make sure we get all the interns out. Make sure the stash of vodka and red bull is secured because the amount of vodka we keep in the office is probably a fire hazard. And grab the hard drives. I’m the captain, I can’t be the first man out of the door.

Meet Francesco Schettino. First of all this dude sunk a billion dollar cruise ship, not by hitting something he couldn’t see, not by getting hit by an underwater iceberg, he ran into LAND. The earth. That shit doesn’t move around. You are supposed to master the sweet art of keeping your boat on the water part instead on of on the dirt part when you are sailing around in a little dinghy, not in a 8 story cruise ship with 1,000 people on board. Dude saw that things were going wrong and got his ass on a escape boat and hit the shore. He broke out. That isn’t exactly an inspirational leader. The coast guard was trying to force him to go back and actually do his job, he pretty much refused.  Logical…but messed up.

So yeah, your boy Brock is never going on a cruise again. For the record, the aw hail naw list also includes: bungee cords, helicopters, hang gliders, planes with propellers, and parachutes. I don’t trust any of those things.

-Brock

As I go through life and encounter more people and their relationships I’ve learned a lot of things. First, men always talk about how they don’t understand women. I’ll attribute that to the differences in the way men and women are wired. That’s the whole Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing. It’s been covered. But experience has taught me something much more valuable.

Women have no idea what goes on inside of the head of a Man.

No facking clue.

So I originally thought of this as a dating advice column, but that isn’t really what this is. It is more a man facts column based on things that happen in relationships. So ladies, feel free to drop questions in the comments or tweet them to me @uvtblog. Ask anything. I promise to tell the truth.

So let’s start at the beginning. “The Friend Zone”.

The friend zone is actually a social construct made by women. It is a euphemism for “dudes I don’t want to fack, but might give me a ride to the airport if I need one”. Guys can fall into the friend zone for a lot of reasons. 1. They never had a shot. 2. They we’re cool enough or good looking enough to get in the door, but a chick isn’t willing to add one to her personal sex “body count” because he’s too corny/soft/weird/not long term to make it worth it. 3. Women can actually see men as a friend and don’t dictate their personal relationships with the opposite sex based on whether or not they want to have sex with that person. 4. Your punk ass has clearly conveyed to this chick that you will let her get away with anything.

I say all that to say this:

There is one reason “The Friend Zone” works. Because men who have women as friends are only friends with them for one reason.

Because they want to have sex with them.

This is not up for debate. This is not a grey issue. It is 100% true 100% of the time. A Man Law not in the “oh here are some things guys shouldn’t do” sense, but in the scientific “this is always true” sense. Like fucking gravity.

Two things I need to address about this law. Yes, I know, I know. You know and have seen plenty of guys who will hang out with women in groups, cordial at your job, nice when they see you. You aren’t friends with that dude. You are a chick he knows. If you get personal email and calls to hang out. He wants to have sex with you. No. No. No examples. It’s true. He might not be actively pursuing it, but if given the chance to boom your shakalaka, he’ll go for the two point conversion. Every time.

That’s right ladies. You have no male friends. Just dudes who are waiting to fack. That is what makes the friend zone so diabolical. Because it tricks dudes into putting the handcuffs on themselves. A woman can make it crystal clear you have absolutely no chance in hell of getting it in. A dude always thinks there in a chance and they might as well stay in touch in case it goes down. A guy will even say he understands and is fine being friends. He’s lying.

So ladies, let this be lesson number one. You have no male friends. We’ve got one thing on our minds, Sexy, sexy sex. With you. Look into the eyes of your male “friend” next time you’re together. You’ll see it. Don’t look too hard though He might think that is the signal things have changed and try to get it in immediately. HA!

-Brock

People thought Kim Jong Il was crazy when he was alive.

High top fade, stunna shades, Kim Jong Il was was a wild man. I still don’t understand how he kept North Korea on lockdown quite as tight as he has, but even more incredible is how he is still controlling his people after his death.

You all remember the video that came out of North Korea after the death of Kim Jong Il. People all over the country were devastated by the news.

They just couldn’t handle the death of their leader. Come to find out it was a mandatory mourning. That’s right the people of North Korea were told to participate in “organized weeping”. ‘Forget don’t cry for me Argentina’, this is ‘You better cry or you will be arrested and sent to a labor camp for six months.’

Literally.

If I was that dude in the middle of the picture above who might be a little too much “I’m disappointed by this news”, and not enough, “Noooooooooo! WHYYYYYYYYY? No-oh-oh-oh-uhhhhhh”. He looks like he just signed up for labor camp for sure.

People get arrested for a lot of dumb things, but arrested for not crying hard enough is the worst way to go out. Does that get you street cred in the labor camps? When someone rolls up on you and asks “what you in for?” do they say, “you know how Kim Jong Il wanted us to cry when he died? I was like naaaaah. I’m just gonna sit here mildly disappointed. I’m not crying.” Talk about when keeping it real goes wrong. You gotta be a tough bastard to choose labor camp instead of dropping a few crocodile tears for the man who oppressed you your entire life. They had to know when the government asked them to cry that they meant business.

Forget Man Up, These dudes needed to Man Down. That’s gonna be a long six months.

-Brock