Update: CHECK OUT OUT NEW COVERAGE OF MAKING THE BAND 4, Season 2, Episode 1 right HERE.

Well, Puff did it again and while last night’s show wasn’t all that great (though past ones did set the bar pretty high) we at least know when we’ll finally get the final band assembled, August 26th “live” (although we saw pictures of the dudes on stage already?).

Anyway, a few observations:

1. Robert should have been on the Big Mike slim down program during the break because homeboy looked like a pudgy jack-o-lantern when he came back “into the house”. It was pretty crazy how Diddy checked that cat for running out of breath during the show (and for rocking that glitter), that’s what happens when you’re carrying 15 extra lbs. And did cats check out those red jewels ole boy had in the back of his wig piece? First of all, I’m really ready for the Iversons to go out of style. Secondly, and I don’t care if he did grow that hair for 7 years with the help of his mama (terrible), that greased up baby P-fro is a MAJOR improvement, though I suspect he’s be getting grease in his hats, which are terrible anyway, so overall, it’s a win for that cat.

(shed a few son)

He’s a lock for the group with the most all around pure talent. And boy, did he ever rip that verse on that Brian Cox joint. Gotta love Robert, even if he did let his lady kind of bitch him up on the phone….

Incidentally, this is supposedly the babe, June, Robert was dating during the show, the one who ran her mouth on the phone and called him a “Drama King”… Rob, I aint gonna say she’s terrible, because that would be a lie and I do see what you see in her… As Mos Def put in Ms. Fat Booty, “Baby girl got all the right weaponry,” so I get that. But dude, this babe is not good looking enough to be running her trap on you like that on national tv! Keep hittin and placating, but the bottom line is, eventually she’s got to go — all the lip is just unacceptable.

2. This cat, Brian H. is f*cking terrible.

I mean, this kid is the classic cat.

Sub Issue A. The Basketball Incident:

Remember on the basketball episode where this dude rocked that explosive errrr aggressive errr bitchy quick step dribble piece all the way down into the full unintentional split?! I mean, truly terrible and clearly soft as all hell. Then ole dude had the audacity to say in his most broken, half mouth open, geechie drawl, “people thank cuz I’m tall, I can play ball, no… I was the one where while all da ‘boys’ (suspect) wuz playin’ basketball, I wuz talking to all the girls”….right, we’ve got a name for that ‘one’, GAY. You were probably also the ‘one’ playing double dutch, braiding another dude’s hair and working on solo dance moves in your free time…In other words, real b*tch shit. And it shows.

Sub Issue B – Diva attitude – “I’m definitely very ‘flustrated’”

Did yall see how this clown talked to Ankh Ra after HE was fucking up the song at the beginning of the last episode? “You trying to clown me, dog?”

Clown you? They should have put him out on his ear at that very second. Ankh really dealt him that hot warning after Brian H started poppin’ off at the mouth, “Don’t do it”, ie. “Don’t make me, Ankh Ra, ‘do it’ to YOU, in other words, shut the fuck up!” Lucky for that cat, Ankh is a cool dude. Then, to make matters worse, MUCH worse, he dropped that “I’m definitely getting flustrated at this point” blast in the interview booth. I mean, are you flustered, frustrated or just dumb? The smart money is on all three! Seriously, for all you kids out there, stay in school. Finally, dude comes with that absurd rhetoric, AGAIN, when they did him the service of cutting off that horrible dish rag he called a hair cut only to look 300% better at the end.

(what is that section in the front of your hairline supposed to be? Is that like a launching pad for your follicles? Seriously, those cats did you the greatest service known to man when they cut that monstrosity off your dome)

And then he pitched a hissy fit about it. I did like how Diddy’s barber really squared him up and how the other dude, not sure what his role was (stylist/henchman), just mean mugged him until he calmed the hell down. That was some real, grown man, slow down young buck type shit, not to mention completely necessary… I mean, that was CLASSIC. Meanwhile, Brian H. is sitting there, trying (and failing I might add) to keep from crying over some ole cat shit like a hair cut. Man the f*ck up dude. Dammit.

Sub Issue C – The cat ass fake mean mug

This dude always has that ole cat ass look on his face like he doesn’t want to do something. It’s sad because he’s actually got some talent, but he’s just a fool and he’s not talented enough to overcome all that nonsense. It’s got that “fix your face” 5 year old quality to it. This dude is just awful and he cannot make that band, period.

3. Willie aka “Lucky” has already made the band as he should.

First off, if you look at Willie’s myspace page it says he’s written for several artists, including Joe. Yes, the very same Joe who was a “judge” early on in the competition. Plus Willie is 26 years old. He aint no spring chicken. I think Willie is your standard Puff plant. You know, just like that chick Denosh was on Making the Band 3…basically an old cougar with tons of talent and 8 years of experience when you’re supposedly looking for fresh faces. I can see Diddy in those production meetings now, “Now, there can only be one…and that’s me, yall don’t have me out here with no talent.. I don’t care what you gotta do, but don’t embarrass me.” Hell, that’s the same speech he gives every Thursday….anyway, plant or not, you gotta like Willie and he’s good for the group.

4. Though it hurts my heart to say this, Qwanell is suspect.

I won’t elaborate, because I actually like Q. But Q is just a (much) better version of Jonathan, the uber beeyatch who just had to go. First off, as I’ve said MANY times on this site, R&B is just inherently cat and soft. It just is. It’s bad enough with T-Pain and Neyo and to a lesser extent Chris Brown, running around here doing man on man duets like ole Rubber Neck from Jerky Boyz fame, but you can’t start out that way. Oh and Jonathan, that “I wasn’t called to do this” was just awful ok? You need to go home, take the damn skirt off, put some Ma$e in your voice, then promptly put some base in your voice and man-up.

And just so you know, Q WORKED you in that boxing ring. AND though you may not know it now, the biggest thing you needed at that very moment was an ass whoopin! And guess what, you got it. HAAAAAAAAA Anyway, Q, maybe you can go, put on about 20 lbs (hit up Country Sweet playa), stop making some of those wild faces and get that tat lasered off your neck piece and come on back. I aint saying you…well.. I’m just saying. You aint the most rugged cat I’ve ever seen. I think Linkin Park said it best “[You] tried so hard and got so faaaaaar, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter…”

To quote Diddy, sorry, you won’t be making the band.

5. Big Mike just has to make this band. Period point blank.

It’s not so much that Mike is the best singer (though he is a hot singer, let’s be clear), the best dancer or even the best performer. But Big Mike does have that “it factor”. That special flow, charisma and swagger you just need in the band. He’s got the cool personality and just has a winner’s mentality. You also have to love his consistent and constant reference to the ladies (no questionable signs of switch hit-ability). Again, all very becoming of an R&B star and good for the Bad Boy portfolio going forward. In short, you gotta have Big Mike…he’s the anti Dylan from MTB2.

“‘Who da greeeeeatis five rappar dove-all time? Die-lan, Die-lan, Die-lan, Die-lan and Die-lan” Terrible.

6. That cat Chris was f*cking terrible, relatively untalented and definitely had a severe case of fructose in da tank-ability. I mean, can anybody get this image out of their minds?

And sure, this has NOTHING to do with the current show or who is going to Make the Band, but the bottom line is that I wanted to talk about it, so I did. Sorry Chris, I’m sure you’re a sweet kid, but your departure just let us know how unqualified you were for the group from jump street.

7. Brian A. is just sitting on the fence for me in a MAJOR way. Hey, bottom line, dude is a really cool cat. And clearly he can sing. The problem is, he really didn’t shine all that much on stage when the group opened up for New Edition. I mean, what happens when a really cool cat can’t translate his smooth flow and likability to the stage? Tough. And what’s with that crazy look on this cat’s face every time he sings hard. I mean, dude, R&B is for the smooth thug, not a cat trying to pass a kidney stone.

I think there is crazy talent in the pool and while I’m pulling for Brian A., I just can’t affirmatively put him in my band. Let me say this, if the band is a 4 man team, Brian A. is OUT. It’s too bad too. That cat should really become an A&R or something when he’s done. He’s got that good guy industry flow you need. Oh, Brian’s biggest competition in a 5 man band is definitely DeAngelo…a cat who may not have all his personality, but who generally shines on stage and is pretty chill in his own right.

8. Donnie aka the 5th wheel is a strong contender for the band, but I like him in a 5 man team, but not really a 4 man squad.

(honestly, is the tight man-hood necessary?)

Let’s face it, you can’t get past the fact that Donnie is white. I’m not really sure how that’s going to break for him. On the one hand, Donnie seems to be a favorite of the young white girls, a critical demographic. On the other hand, this is an R&B group and new day Color Me Badd types are never appreciated. The good news for Donnie is that he can definitely sing and can move well enough to dance to these basic B2K level dance routines (now that Laurie Ann is gone). The bad news for him is that he’s talked about himself as “the pretty white boy” with “one of the best shapes in the house”…terrible Donnie.

But as terrible as some of Donnie’s rhetoric has been, he’s waaaaay better than Dan the man, who was clearly out of his league (though he did have a good singing voice) and had some of the worst analysis in that interview booth since Kenny “the Jet” Smith first broke into broadcasting. All in all, Donnie is a likable guy and in a five man band aimed at maximum crossover appeal, it could work. It could also be a disaster. Tough call for Diddy…

9. As an aside, did anybody peep Laurie Ann backstage after the dudes opened up for New Edition? She was there camera whoring it up, just looking low as all hell, likely realizing how stupid it was to question Diddy after that absurd attempt at “Interjection”. Look chick, YOU ARE DONE IN THIS INDUSTRY.

You may choreograph for stars as you always have, but your Paula Abdul/Jennifer Lopez dreams are OVER. You played yourself “baby gurl”…plain and simple. I guess (alleged) sex with Diddy back in 96 when you were actually tight isn’t your ticket to the good life after all.

It’s kind of hilarious when you think about it. Back in the day, Big Mike was trying to get some shine with Laurie Ann… Now, Laurie Ann just over there looking for a lil camera time with Big Mike. Question, with all the babes Puff has slept with and dissed, do you think chicks like Laurie Ann sit up at night, just wishing they were Kim Porter? Probably.. Kim actually has Puff’s kids, which is better than having a job or a real career yourself, because you know them checks just never stop coming… Right? Then Kim Porter sits up at night wishing she were Tracey Edmunds, a chick who has the loot, the kids, actually got put on with the real deal marriage to Baby Face and now is about to marry another rich superstar in Eddie Murphy. I guess the laws of nature always hold true, big fish eat little fish. Laurie Ann, you f*cked yourself baby gurl!!! Sorry.

10. Any contestant not expressly mentioned in this post is completely irrelevant.

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Damn this post is too long! Bottom line, here is my four man group.

And here’s the five man group (which is a more likely format)

I think this post took 4 years off my life. Hope you cats enjoy how hard I’m working for you.

- Lakey F. Baby

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Nice work Lake. I’ll send one of the interns down to make sure you make it through the workday today after your effort on this post.

Look, let me guaran-damn-tee you that this whole “vote” idea is purely about the fate of that man Donnie. Like I said in my previous post, the Donnie dilemma is real. On one side the average “MTV Fan” like my girls Vanessa and Joanna from the comments section will buy the album on the strength of Donnie alone. Puff doesn’t want to make the band corny for no reason with the one white boy if it doesn’t mean sales. Diddy is in it for the bitniss of the bitniss. Gotta move those units. Plus, Donnie did push ups the entire two months he was at home. Gotta give him something.

-Brock