Baby it is cold outside and almost everyone is catching hell right now.  In the Midwest temperatures were below freezing last week, snow was moving through lots of cities slowing everyone down, and if you didn’t have your coat, hat and glove game tight, you were in for it.  But the winter cold affects one group more than other people.  Smokers.

Sure, when it is summertime that shit seems glamorous.  You can sit at an outdoor cafe sipping cappuccino and wearing your stunna shades and everything is great for the smoker.  But in the winter, everyone knows you aren’t anything but an addict looking for a fix.  The less socially acceptable it becomes, the more desperate you look.

Think about it, the last time smoking was socially cool was in the early 80’s…smoking on airplanes, smoking at the office, smokers ruled the world.  The problem is, the last time smoking actually looked cool was damn near 50 years ago.

Even the smoke looks cool.  Frank has his grip tight, pinky ring blinging, he’s got his whole game together.  Modern smokers might as well be smoking crack at this point.  No smoking in office buildings, they are being banned from all indoor smoking all across the country.  Non-smokers (myself included) just openly antagonize smokers at this point.  Have you ever seen one of those smoking lounges at an airport?  It looks like the fifth ring of hell in there.

The people all look yellow, it is all cloudy in there.  True story, I saw a guy pushing a stroller one time that went to the smokers lounge and stood just inside of the room and kept his arm extended so the stroller stayed outside.  At least he’s thinking about it, but he’s not winning any parent of the year awards for that one.

But winter is my favorite season for smoker watching.  First of all they are huddled in the parking decks and loading docks already.  Or the are forced to stand outside of restaurants…but not right out front, you gotta step down like 10 feet so all the smoke doesn’t blow right back into the building.

Do you huddle up for warmth?  How many breaks do you take a day?  Other than eat food, which is pretty much an essential bodily function, not an elective activity, I can’t think of anything I’d step outside in the freezing cold to do.  Sex would probably get your boy out there, but that is just starting to stretch the metaphor way too far.

I have some questions for smokers:

You know you always smell like shit, right?

Does “your brand” really make a huge difference?

Why do you roll your window down when you smoke and drive?  (See question #1)  Do you hate the smell of smoke too?  Oh, and by the way, it doesn’t help.

How do you always get to my rental car before I do?

Hey Cigar smoker…you know that if there is a smoking section in a restaurant, they aren’t talking about you, right?  That cigar smoke is on a whole different level, we all go home smelling like you.

Fire.  Going into your lungs.  Why?

During the winter, I can’t tell if smokers need to be told to Man Up or Man Down.  I mean these cats outside of my building are going hard right now.  They were in that twenty below like it ain’t shit.  They do need to Man Up and quit smoking though.  You’re just legal drug addicts right now.  I wonder what legalizing marijuana would do?  Would that be socially acceptable to hit during the lunch break?

-Brock