Ashley Madison is a matchmaking agency for people who are already married.  Their motto is “life is short.  Have an affair”.  Peep the picture from the front of the site.

Now, I understand the dude in this picture peeping this website and thinking this looks like a good idea, but what about the chick?  Do women fantasize about finding some cat to go down on?  Damn, who knew?  No wonder people have affairs.  See, that is what is messed up, chicks probably run their man off withholding the tail, then end up losing their damn minds getting their Jesse Jane on like a pro.  Ladies, let me tell you something.  If you an give some good head (and damn near all head is good head) you are 50% of the way to keeping your man.  And FYI, part of “good” is “often”.

What the hell is an “affair guarantee”?  Guarantee that they are going to have an affair, or guarantee that you won’t get caught, or a guarantee that your life won’t be a living hell when your dumb ass gets caught.  You can’t guarantee that.  What are they going to do, give you your money back?  That little $300 you get back ain’t gonna be a salve on that ass whooping you’re sure to get.  I mean damn, there is no better way to guarantee that your ass is going to lose half and end up paying alimony for the rest of your life.  How is your dumb ass going to feel when you roll to court and the opposing lawyer flashes this joint up on a big screen.

Talking about, “Mr. Davis.  Are you still looking for someone who is not afraid to try new things?  And what did you mean by new things?  Oh really?  Having new and interesting conversations?  That’s funny, because on your profile page, it described “new things” as “all holes possible”  I’m sure that WOULD be an interesting conversation.”

I mean look.  Dating sites are for people who don’t have the charisma to pull this off on their own.  I have to think that someone who isn’t smooth enough to pull their own dates probably isn’t going to be able to handle the heat of pulling off the affair.  This matches up the most inept daters with the equivalent of the married man decathlon.  You can’t just roll into that kind of activity unprepared.  You will look like a jackass.

Look all of this is messed up and yes I do blame the women as much as the men, but I’ve got a tip just for the ladies.  Uhhhhhh, in case a lifetime of experience hasn’t already taught you this, you can pretty much get sex any time you want.  Also, I guy is highly unlikely to sell you out and try to ruin your marriage so that they can marry your cheatin ass.  We’re just not wired that way.  Seriously, you could walk into any bar with your ring on, have a few drinks and probably bang out the man of your choice.  (Within reason, remember the UvT scale of 1-10 for men and for women, let it be your guide)  I know, I know, men are dogs, that’s messed up, but this is the one situation where it will actually work for what you’re looking for.

This has to be the worst idea ever.  Even pros aren’t safe these days, ask Eliot Spitzer.  You’re gonna hook up with a random housewife?  Sheeeeeit, you’re asking for trouble.

-Brock