Damn Homey, You used to be the Maaaaaaan Homey.  What happened to you?

Tiger Woods caught a little bit more than a holiday turkey hangover on Thanksgiving when he crashed into a tree and a fire hydrant at the bottom of his driveway early Friday morning.  Tiger has been giving everyone, including police the silent treatment so far, but I’m not so sure that is the best approach.  Sure, I don’t like people in my business either, but taking four days to get your story together isn’t so hot when the facts out there are so wild.  Get this, Tiger Woods was driving down his driveway in an SUV when his wife ways she heard a crash.  As she runs out of the house, she grabs a golf club…you know, just in case she’s gotta get into some ol gangsta shit.

She looks like a nice girl but I guess she must be the ride or die type if she hears trouble and grabs an instrument of destruction on the way out the door.  Anyway, the story says she gets to the bottom of the driveway, Tiger is slipping in and out of consciousness, she can’t get into the car, so she busts open the back windshield with the golf club so she can…uhhhhh…climb through the back, unlock the doors, and grab Tiger at 6 feet, 200 pounds and drags him out onto the street.  Woods has cuts on his lip, knocked out, but somehow the airbags don’t go off.

Even the dog ain’t buying that shit.

So here’s the wild thing.  We don’t hear anything about Tiger, ever.  But this week the National Enquirer said that Tiger was creeping with this babe.

Her name is Rachel Uchitel, and I’m hard pressed to say that she isn’t Tiger’s type.  Let me get another angle on this so I can see what she’s working with.

Dirty blonde, fake J’s, puffy lips, hangs with chicks with strong jaws and creepy zombie hands…why not?

So, I’m not saying Tiger did it.  I’m not even saying that the rumors are true.  But I have to imagine that those sweet potatoes don’t taste so good when you just saw your man get accused of banging out another chick in the national news.

Even if it isn’t real, your chick is gonna be giving you that stanky “didn’t get it” face through dinner.  Tiger gets peppered all day, gets grinded on all night, then finally can’t take it no mo and needs to go hit those streets.  Ol girl say hails naw, chases him out the door with a golf club, he crashes, she blows out the back window and realizes dude is really hurt and that OnStar is going to be sending backup in a few minutes so she turns into loving wifey again.  All of that over this chick.

Which, I mean, if you’ve gotta go, go hard.  At least she isn’t some kind of slumpbuster.  But damn Tiger, where is the real story?  You went to the hospital, you got released on Friday, and no one knows a damn thing other than you are talking to the cops Sunday, that the 911 tapes are about to be released, Tiger just released a statement on his website saying that he is fine and the incident is private and the rumors are all untrue, but he really wrapped the whip around a tree.

Damn, that green on the right is the fire hydrant he took out too.  That is a tough crash.  How did the airbags not go off again?  TMZ is also reporting someone saying Tiger said he messed up and needed to go to Zales to get a “Kobe Special”.  By which I hope he means some make up jewelry and not a turrible ass “baby, baby, please” tattoo, or banging out a hotel maid from the back.  First of all Tiger, Zales doesn’t carry 10 carats of yellow diamond, somebody done told you wrong.  You would have to buy out half of the store to get right at Zales.  Step yo jewelry game up. 

As far as the side chick is concerned…

It looks like she is down with the Asian, I guess she needed a little “Cabla” to go with that. She probably has 50 Cent “Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire” on repeat in the ride.

So Tiger.  Man Up and get your story right.  You can hide if you want to, but that is just going to make things worse.  Don’t worry, you aren’t a politician.  One of the richest and dominant pro athletes in the world getting a little side piece is old news.  Nike and the PGA will not abandon you.  You are still the biggest draw in golf.  So Man Up and let us know the deal.  And stay your ass at home until Golf season cranks up again.

-Brock