Fine arse Hoopz is about to hit the streets and it is real and it looks like she gets loose.  She’s got body too.  While there is no technical NSFW in the visuals of this video…the sounds are VERY NSFW.  Visuals are a 2 on the soon to be defined NSFW scale, the audio is a straight 6 out of 6.  But you can peep it anyway.

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Think it might be a fake?  Think she’s not bringing the heat?  Well here are some stills from the tape…she might have to change her name to Skillz.

Lawd…not looking straight into the camera.

Help me pleeze…

Oh make it stop.

And yes, the tattoo matches so this joint is official.

Maaaaaaaan.  I don’t know who Mr. ZZEE is, but he must be some kind of genius.  This is not going to be a Kim Kardashian, packing a gun but doesn’t know how to shoot it situation.  She is going to be straight bringing it.  I’m sure Lake will find it and make sure everyone knows where to go so they don’t watch it.  We don’t watch that kind of stuff so you’ll have to let me know how it is.

-Brock

Dude, that’s a lot of azz and yes, I’m quite sure the airbrushers and photoshoppers were working on overtime to try and make that upper thigh respectable.  We know better.

Forget more thigh than KFC, she’s got more cottage cheese than Hood and Dannon combined.  Yikes.

And while I am a bit proponent of presentation, I would like the final product to bare some resemblance to the real article.  Hey, lie to me, but not that much.  I do like how they smoothed out that midsection and streamlined the leg, respek.  I can do without the whips, though.  What’s with the dominatrix theme these days?  If anyone is going to be whipping on some arse, it’s me, but not in that way.  Enough, there can be too much of a good thing.

- Lake

Look, we all know the deal with these shows. It’s a bunch of Hollywood rejects willing to subject themselves to almost any level of humiliation for a chance at some face time and hopefully their own show. so that they can ultimately get spit out the bottom of the porn industry

errrr flip their newfound success into real showbiz careers.

And we all know that aint gonna happen. So what did they do? Of course, they just kept it real and copied those completely played and similarly sad, though less comical, Real World/Road Rules spin-offs.. You know the Gauntlet, Crucible, Inferno (whatever, though quietly, that new Real World/Road Rules Survivor rip off looks like it has potential) and made the show strictly about money.

Fair enough. So then it’s just a matter of who was on the show. Well you know it wouldn’t be a show without some eye candy. So they brought in Hoopz, which I respect.

And please peep those Hoopz NSFW HERE at your leisure.

And that chick from Beauty and the Geek/Rock of Love Fame:

Don’t know her name and clearly I don’t care. But I’d be lying if I told you she didn’t have that white girl thunder. Incidentally, here are her NSFW (I’m seeing a trend here) Playboy shots. Actually, this chick’s body is what only Brooke Hogan can see when she looks at herself in the mirror. The rest of us see a version of this:

Ha… I know, I know, I just talked Jim Carrey the ‘nother day. Keeping it simple. Sadly, that’s the only real eye candy on the show. And even the skanks lost their limited skank appeal. Sheeeeit, Pumkin looks like she done set out to actually become her namesake.

I mean, homegirl is plump. Anyway, at least they came back with the Stallionaires…which is still one of the worst and best rap group names in all of history. Haaa.

Oh yeah, Chance and Real are back and yes, their album is still “about to come out.”

“Yuckmouth, cuz he don’t brush..” Then you had the usual suspects. Mr. Boston’s unfunny ass. Whiteboy, who should get an Emmy for that ridiculous “based on an untrue story” role he’s playing as a down ass white dude. I know, I know.. ha

Anyway, after that you’ve got an assortment of douchebags (and please don’t take that characterization lightly, I RARELY use that term, but it’s oh so true for this show), trashy hoes and general misfits like that broke ass Bushwick Bill lookin cat Midget Mack, who incidentally got checked the fuck off the show the first night.

Nice. I spoke to Brock about Episode 1 and all in all, it left us a bit underwhelmed. But it’s got potential. I’m just waiting for 12 Pack and his little sidekick there 5 Pack aka Heat (lol) to get up on some gay shit so that we can really set the party off.

I’m also looking for that damn Nibblz to bang some dude out, seeing as she’s a full-time dominatrix (her exact words) and all. Dominatrix? Don’t you mean ho? Oh yes, I’ll be glued to my tv, a least for one more episode.

Oh and it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention all those folks that are missing from the cast. First off, where’s Buckeey.

You gotta have her, especially after that great sex tape I never saw. Also, where is that Gentleman Punk? I thought he was busy trying to show positive images on gutter reality tv….

One spiked strand of moused out hair at a time.

And why couldn’t we get some Buddah back on set. We definitely needed some more of his antics.

Maybe he would have whooped some more ass, something I always appreciate. Oh well, I guess you can’t have it all. Hell, maybe some of these fools actually got their lives together and have moved on to better things….nah. ha

Stallionaires baby…book it.

- Lake

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for the gods to bring me a new sex tape? Then remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice? Sure you do.

Well, once I came back from my crawfish extravaganza over Memorial Day Weekend I woke up to glorious tales of Buckeey Sex Tapes. I did a quick search and *bang* there it was! And oh yes, IT WAS the Buck-meister herself, showing some skills that certainly can pay her billz. And even better, the dirty deeds all went down to some hilarious and appropriate “Jaws” inspired music. I mean, on the rizzeal, peep that NSFW video right HERE or check out the far less inspiring but completely NSFW still shots right here.

Daaaamn. Can I ask, what’s up with women and that “I just got F’d” look yall get. I mean, if I showed you the above pic and you were mildly familiar with getting some arse, you’d know for certain that someone was just getting deep on this broad. Anyway, I appreciate the effort Shay put into this venture, in fact, I think she should quite whatever career she now proclaims to have and just concentrate on big belly dude sex tapes. And don’t get me wrong, I know mostchicks can handle their basic biz in the bedroom, but it’s just nice to get some confirmation that they definitely can (or in Kim Kardashian’s case, can’t) too. I also appreciated the full on post mic check and back-shot “press conference” where she hooked up the completely gratuitous: “Yes, he just nutted all over me” commentary.

Damn, the blog readers may want to rethink their position on chicken headz, baby mamas, video hoes and gold diggers. Now I see why cats kick it with these broads. I mean, that was like watching Miss New Booty, only better.

Now I’ll need to ax the sex tape gods for that Flavor of Love 3 chick “Black’s” sex tape.

Wow, do yall see that hook on picture two? Jeez, she’s got some thangs going on! I mean, baby girl has a body that won’t quit and anyone that dated TO is alright with me as long as she’s a woman (am I the only one who thinks TO might be a bit suspect?).

Also, I mean, come on. A white girl named “Black;” it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sex Tape Gods, I beseech you, bring me more video and reality hizzies unto me: ooooooooohhhhmmmmm…..

- Lake

————UPDATE——————-

Damn Lake. I thought you never watched. All the previous joints were tapes “you heard about from a guy, to said he might have seen it, and said that if you click here you might be able to go see what I’m talking about.” But I guess Buckeey brought you straight to the raw uncut, huh? Hey, I understand. Aside from Hoopz and the new Ms. Black she’s definitely one of the baddest Flavor of Love chicks out there.

Now wasn’t there a rumor that UvT favorite Andre 3000 was hitting that back in the day? I’m sure he knew nothing about this tape. Andre, did you hit it?

You damn right he hit it…and he’d do it again. Don’t let the gear and interpretational singing fool you. Andre is still straight ATL when he needs to be. The best thing about this tape? All the other tapes are always some dumb shit the chick did years ago before they knew they were going to blow up, or from when “they were in love”…this joint looks like it could have been recorded last week. Great.

-Brock

Why didn’t someone think of that before. I mean, even with reduced ass, the assless variety of Dukes is so much superior to the original. Look at recently eliminated Prancer from Flavor of Love 3 for instance.

Impressive yes, but it’s clearly inferior compared to angle two on Gizzy.

Ok, that wasn’t such a hot shot, but I thought it was important to show that Gisele is so big that she’s got an ass wiper on set. I mean, how do you get that job? Who decides that there isn’t enough Coco Butter on the upper tailpiece? But on the real, stop playing and gimme that crystal clear shot of dem Dukes though.

Anyway, I also wonder how they get those ripped up Dukes and just know they’ll be right for Gizzy in this shot. What, is there some cat out there who just fashionably rips the clothes half off supermodels?

Awwww, my bad. I know that’s fucked up, but LeBron brought that shit on himself. Doesn’t this cat have a publicist that’s supposed to let him know how much he’s playing himself with a picture like this? I know, I know, it’s all of us who see this picture in a suspect way that have the problem, not ‘Bron. Sure. But did you ever see Jordan doing some mess like this? Hell naw. You don’t even see Tom Brady getting his beauty and the beast on and he’s smashing with regularity.

Tough.

- Lake

It’s not right, but it’s ok. I know it’s totally off topic and I’ll probably lose some cool points, but for some reason I’ve always liked(ed) Buckeey of Flavor of Love 2 fame.

How terrible is Bootz by the way? I mean, just horrible. Those Js are sittin on dubbs, but it’s like terrible plastic dubbs, nothing like what you want. And that medium grey-beige face paint is just incorrect and repugnant. Reminds me of a corpse laid up in the pine box where everyone gathers around talking about “how good” so and so looks. Meanwhile, 90% of the time they look bad and 70% of the time they look completely unrecognizable. Damn, that was a MAJOR digression. Back to Buckeey.

I can’t completely justify why I like her, but I just do. I don’t know, maybe she appears to have a shred of common sense….or maybe it’s just dat ass.

Yeah, dat azz has plenty to do with it. Clearly she’s got a superior body, but there’s something more. I think it’s the way she stands honestly. I’ve always liked the pitbull in a skirt stance, ya know? See dudes who have dealt with a thick, athletic chick will know what I’m talking about. Sometimes you just need a sturdy woman.

Don’t get me wrong folks, I fully recognize that this chick is mostly terrible. Like 83% of what she’s done is certified awful. That damn Flavor of Love 2, Charm school was a debacle (why did Mo’nique do that foolishness?). I mean, she was at her best when the rumor came out that she was dating Andre 3 stacks and then that was a lie… Anyway, I can’t put my finger on it, but I like it. Maybe a little too much.

- Lake

I know a lot of you hate this show, but I enjoy it. As such, I’m going to give you my completely superficial rundown of the Flavor of Love 3 girls based solely on their glamor shots and whatever other pics I could dig up.

There are a bunch of chicks, so I’ll break them up and do a few each day. So let’s just start right now and find out who’s really there “for Flav” and who is “just there for tv”.

Chicken 1. “Shy” or as i like to call her “Fake New York”

Well, VH1 has done the impossible. They’ve found someone who actually makes New York look good. Jeez. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that this is what New York looks like before they spray on her face. I’d like to say baby just caught a bad angle, but we checked the other angles too.

They’re all bad, but that is the classic NY mouth after she’s smoked a pack of heaters and downed 2 or 6 Smirnoff Twists.

Prediction: Her name is “Shy” but with a face like that she’s got to be used to being told that she’s ugly; a fact I’m quite sure she’s conveniently characterized as jealousy and hate. There appears to be a slight J game and something more than a negativity ass, so somewhere, somebody has been trying to hit. That means Flav would be willing to hit as well. Undoubtedly, this has contributed to her false confidence and belief that she’s actually going to be one of the “pretty girls” vying for Flav’s heart just like her look alike Tiffany Pollard did. Alas, it will not be so. After a late night romp in the hotub replete with a Flavor Mic Check, she’ll start taking plenty from the other girls for being a “broke ass New York” which quite possibly will result in her horrible weave getting pulled loose in a scuffle with another ragga-muffin. Then baby girl will be eliminated for fighting once Flav hooks up the old “I can’t have no drama in my house Shy, I love you baby, but you’re time is up girl” and off she’ll go direct-it-tally to The Valley to shoot part two of that fake Tiffany Pollard/White Boy (from I Love NY) Sex Tape (NSFW FOUND HERE) we posted a few weeks back. Book it.

Chicken 2. “Peechee” – The big girl who has no chance and knows it

Now we all know this babe. It’s the same story, new skin color. To understand her role you need only look to that equally horrible chick “Like Dat”.

Prediction: She’ll survive the first elimination just on GP because Flav will love “how real she keeps it” but we’ll all know the ax awaits. I’m sure she’ll be full of personality, very funny and genuinely nice. That’s why she’s horrible for the show and why I will personally hate her. That’s also why I won’t spend another inch of cyber space on her insignificant ass. Next.

Chicken 3. “Shor-tee” – the babe who probably should be with Flav for real

Look, I can tell by the way this chick is holding here body that she’s got something up behind that wild animal print. Clearly she’s packing thunder. Now I’ll take that to offset her somewhat attractive, though odd, alien dome piece. Add to it the tats up on the chest piece and you basically have the chick Flavor Flav probably should be able to pull in real life, but not too high level such that she really wouldn’t even f*ck with him (see Hoopz). That’s this chick. Then I saw this pic which I’m told is affiliated with a myspace page:

See, if that’s your intro pic to your myspace page, that means you have some more provocative joints you’re sitting on for the future, which means you’re probably a stripper or full-time freak. Either way, it fits nicely within my assumptions based solely on her appearance.

Prediction: Babe goes relatively far based on her unconfirmed but probable tailpiece (can see it from the front) and fair complexion (sorry, we’re talking Flav now). Stripper attitude and report with Flav makes her somewhat of a house threat/target.

That’s it for now. Tomorrow I’ll post up another three or so chicks and then we’ll have them all. The show airs on February 11, 2008. Should be decent.

- Lake

Hey, I’m not really sure how we got here. I mean, Tiffany Pollard aka New York has really worked the system for all it’s worth. Let’s face it, before she got dissed for Hoopz back in the day and then acted a fool when Flav went with Deelishis, nobody gave a hot damn about Tiffany from Syracuse. Anyway, you come up for breath and realize that 4 shows later, the chick NY is a known commodity in entertainment. Not only that, but her show supposedly pulls huge numbers for VH1.

But even with all her perverse success, I just have a feeling that she’s still missing something in her portfolio of good deeds. Hmm, oh yes, a SEX TAPE!!! Right, nothing really dots that I or crosses those T’s like a legitimate sex tape to really show the people what you’re made of.

We really could use that Hoopz sex tape by the way. Oh yes and UvT research has just told me that the Hoopz sex tape is indeed on it’s way and fully in production. Makes sense. Hoopz hasn’t raised her profile one iota since her Flavor of Love stint. We’ll holler back on that topic when the time is right.

Well, UvT has obtained this link to the alleged sex tape with Tiffany Pollard and as always, we have a no watch policy, but I’ve heard that the babe in the video bares an uncanny resemblance to Ms. New York. And she’s letting a white dude murk it too. Not sure how I feel about that…After all, she’s pretty damn terrible. Nah, I think I’ll just ignore that and focus on the fact that one of Lake’s brothers from another mother did in fact knock up Halle Berry… And Brock didn’t even say a word. Lol. Here’s the Not Safe For Work link to a site that has the I Love New York Sex Tape. Dammit, I say it’s her.

- Lake

Say what you want, but the show is entertaining and clearly my Tivo will be locked and loaded for the next hoasis of foolishness, tomfoolery and nonsense.

Come get your clock yo.

- Lake