During the Oscars, Oprah was introducing Gabourey and said, “I know this is the first wonderful performance of a long, successful career”.  Now I didn’t go see Precious.  I feel like if I did I would have taken a picture of myself with my camera phone, posted it on UvT and done and entire “Come on Bruh!” post about how I shouldn’t have been in that movie.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Black people and Black cinema, but I haven’t seen a single solitary second of a clip of this movie that makes me feel like I want to see it.

But enough about me.

So it took me a while to figure out this chick was actually an actress, I thought the got the girl who the book was about to relive the issues for the movie.  I thought she was playing herself.  Howard Stern heard the same comment and said out loud what a lot of people were thinking.  “Exactly what other roles is she going to play?”

I’m not trying to be a weightist here, but isn’t she just going to get typecast.  Isn’t she gonna be “big friend”, or “funny sidekick” or “Aretha Franklin“.  Other than a dramatic story about a big girl who overcomes her problems, what are the other Oscar worthy projects she is going to work on?

Now I don’t think successful multi-millionaire radio guy needs to start a fight with brand new Oscar nominated actress, but isn’t this chick resigned to be in bad Tyler Perry movies for the rest of her career?  Maybe a TBS sitcom in 5 years?  Maybe I’ll be wrong, I hope I’m wrong.  But I’m thinking I’m probably not.  Maybe she can break out and surprise us all.  Big guys have a lot more of a chance to make it in Hollywood.  Here is the question, can she really play another role at this level?  Can she overcome the stereotype?

I know Howard Stern didn’t do it right, but someone, anyone, tell me what is next for this chick.

-Brock

He has almost 19,000 career points, has the third most post-season games in NBA history, 8 time NBA all defensive player, he was NBA All Star MVP the year Jordan was out.  The guy was a real player.  The guy came out of Central Arkansas to get all of that done.  He’s kinda fallen on some hard times though.  He had two seasons overseas at the end of his career, and there are rumors out there that the cash started running a little low.  So Scottie had to make things happen to make ends meet and stay relevant.  So he thought he would get up with his homeboy Gary Coleman and make a little movie called Midgets vs. Mascots, which is self described as “Borat meets Jackass”.  Which I’m pretty sure someone out there thinks is the best way to describe the funniest thing in the world, but when you actually think about it can really mean that something isn’t funny at all.  Anyway, Scottie went for it.  Let’s take a look at the clip.

Haaaaaaa.  I’m pretty sure that “what the fuck” wasn’t in the script.  Gary looked like he really wanted to go improv on that one.  But then again Gary Coleman is having his own problems.

He got arrested last week for domestic violence.  First of all, Gary is looking like he got dealt a pretty shitty hand by life.  I mean this guy has been in bad video games, called ashy, doesn’t really have his groupie game tight, and just looks like he is close to the end of his chain in that picture up there.  Meanwhile, Webster is still jolly as shit.

Damn Scottie, you used to be the man Scottie….what happened to you?

-Brock

Seriously?  That is what is supposed to go down to this song?  I mean, that is pretty much what I was going for on every song in high school, but I was trying to make it work on some Snoop and Biggie, not some song that is basically demanding that you bang on every bass drop.  And these chicks are down.  Even the nice girls.

They bend right on over and get it in.  But of course for every great dance that comes along, some fool has to mess it up by trying to do it “with technique“.

I actually don’t know what would have been more disturbing.  What actually happened, or if he actually bent his twin sister over and started to hit it to the beat.  That might have been waaaay too much.

That joint might be the winter soundtrack in the office.  At least during intern interviews.

-Brock

He can’t get any.  Not one part of the tail.  Nada, nothing, no chance, no shot, he’s navigating deep waters that he’s never been in before.

It is sad and painful to watch.  This is honestly the worst case I’ve ever seen for a reasonable looking kid.  But even if it isn’t this bad, there are “even a broken clock is right twice a day” versions of this kid in every crew.  They might not lose every time, but they have the innate ability to single-handedly throw their own momentum into a full on stall out at any moment.

It is easiest to start with Andrew though.  First of all, if you call having sex “getting laid” you are already behind the ball.  I personally prefer “fucking” but even the use of that is situational.  I can think it, but I know when and where to whip that little term out.  If you are looking into a girls eyes and you see limpid little pools of love “let’s fuck” ain’t gonna get it done.  You’ve gotta know when to back it down, but “I need to get laid” is never appropriate.

Second, I know women say “ I like a guy who can make me laugh”, but that doesn’t mean they are looking for a clown.

Come on dude, if you are so worried about your sex life, the first thing you need to do is lose the hat.  Look, women want a man who is a man. I hear you wanting to be funny and zany and memorable, but you are doing it wrong.

Women want a man who can be a man.  Someone who doesn’t embarrass themselves in front of their friends.  Someone who can stand up and Man Up and be someone they can be proud of.  You can’t act like a child and expect to be treated like a man.  I know dudes who get that door open and start off on the right foot, then put a little too much shake and shimmy on it in the club and completely fall apart.  It is hard to watch.  It is like everyone in the room can see it but them.  Sometimes you can literally see the moment when everything is lost.  That happened to Andrew too.  I think it was this moment.

I mean damn homey.  When you turn into the neighborhood little brother and get made up that is the official moment that every woman in that house decided she didn’t want to have sex with you.  Step your game up homey.  You’re killing yourself.  These ladies can smell the desperation on you.  Get your self together so you can pull down a respectable chick before the season ends…

Or you could hit up J Woww from Jersey Shore, she looks like she’s ready to go at all times.

-Brock

He did it all himself, then got famous after he lost the weight.  Nothing but veggie subs and exercise and he dropped over half of his body weight.

Now I know the weight battle is a tough one, and I know it only takes one Mountain Dew bender to start sliding down into the oblivion again.  Look, I understand you can walk into a Subway and make smart choices, but you can also grab a bag of chips, a big ass soda, a cookie and a meatball sub with ranch dressing.  I don’t know what Jared has been up to lately, but I think the combination of all the money he made doing the Subway commercials with those footlongs being sold for only $5 forced Jared into an offer he can’t refuse.

That’s right Jared is still a Indy fan, and he’s back on that stuff.  I mean damn Jared, when the footlongs are only $5, when the cashier at Subway tells you your order will be $17.82, it is time to ask them to take a few things back.  How many footlongs are you eating homey?  I know what the untucked jersey means, I see those extra chins you are packing.  Those might not be your old jeans, but you’re a long way from those slimmed out khaki’s you are wearing up there.  For the first time ever, were going to roll out the man Angle 2.

Jared, you might like Dallas Clark, but the NFL reserves jersey numbers in the 40’s for running backs and tight ends.  I’m thinking you’re looking more like you might need a jersey in the 60’s.  You’re looking more like the O Line these days.  Now, you have one job player.  There is one thing you need to do to keep those Subway checks coming in.  Keeping your ass slim is like showing up to work for the rest of us.  If we don’t show up, we get fired.  If you don’t look like you lost weight eating Subway, you get fired.  There is a meeting going down at Subway today where some young brand manager is going to print this picture on their color printer, they are going to walk into the CMO’s office with an ashen look on their face and drop that picture on his desk.  Then all hell is going to break out.  It is as bad as Ronald McDonald being caught eating a Whopper, as bad as Bill Gates getting caught using a Mac, this is all bad Jared.  Step your game up homey.  The end is near.

-Brock

Tiger Woods caught a little bit more than a holiday turkey hangover on Thanksgiving when he crashed into a tree and a fire hydrant at the bottom of his driveway early Friday morning.  Tiger has been giving everyone, including police the silent treatment so far, but I’m not so sure that is the best approach.  Sure, I don’t like people in my business either, but taking four days to get your story together isn’t so hot when the facts out there are so wild.  Get this, Tiger Woods was driving down his driveway in an SUV when his wife ways she heard a crash.  As she runs out of the house, she grabs a golf club…you know, just in case she’s gotta get into some ol gangsta shit.

She looks like a nice girl but I guess she must be the ride or die type if she hears trouble and grabs an instrument of destruction on the way out the door.  Anyway, the story says she gets to the bottom of the driveway, Tiger is slipping in and out of consciousness, she can’t get into the car, so she busts open the back windshield with the golf club so she can…uhhhhh…climb through the back, unlock the doors, and grab Tiger at 6 feet, 200 pounds and drags him out onto the street.  Woods has cuts on his lip, knocked out, but somehow the airbags don’t go off.

Even the dog ain’t buying that shit.

So here’s the wild thing.  We don’t hear anything about Tiger, ever.  But this week the National Enquirer said that Tiger was creeping with this babe.

Her name is Rachel Uchitel, and I’m hard pressed to say that she isn’t Tiger’s type.  Let me get another angle on this so I can see what she’s working with.

Dirty blonde, fake J’s, puffy lips, hangs with chicks with strong jaws and creepy zombie hands…why not?

So, I’m not saying Tiger did it.  I’m not even saying that the rumors are true.  But I have to imagine that those sweet potatoes don’t taste so good when you just saw your man get accused of banging out another chick in the national news.

Even if it isn’t real, your chick is gonna be giving you that stanky “didn’t get it” face through dinner.  Tiger gets peppered all day, gets grinded on all night, then finally can’t take it no mo and needs to go hit those streets.  Ol girl say hails naw, chases him out the door with a golf club, he crashes, she blows out the back window and realizes dude is really hurt and that OnStar is going to be sending backup in a few minutes so she turns into loving wifey again.  All of that over this chick.

Which, I mean, if you’ve gotta go, go hard.  At least she isn’t some kind of slumpbuster.  But damn Tiger, where is the real story?  You went to the hospital, you got released on Friday, and no one knows a damn thing other than you are talking to the cops Sunday, that the 911 tapes are about to be released, Tiger just released a statement on his website saying that he is fine and the incident is private and the rumors are all untrue, but he really wrapped the whip around a tree.

Damn, that green on the right is the fire hydrant he took out too.  That is a tough crash.  How did the airbags not go off again?  TMZ is also reporting someone saying Tiger said he messed up and needed to go to Zales to get a “Kobe Special”.  By which I hope he means some make up jewelry and not a turrible ass “baby, baby, please” tattoo, or banging out a hotel maid from the back.  First of all Tiger, Zales doesn’t carry 10 carats of yellow diamond, somebody done told you wrong.  You would have to buy out half of the store to get right at Zales.  Step yo jewelry game up. 

As far as the side chick is concerned…

It looks like she is down with the Asian, I guess she needed a little “Cabla” to go with that. She probably has 50 Cent “Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire” on repeat in the ride.

So Tiger.  Man Up and get your story right.  You can hide if you want to, but that is just going to make things worse.  Don’t worry, you aren’t a politician.  One of the richest and dominant pro athletes in the world getting a little side piece is old news.  Nike and the PGA will not abandon you.  You are still the biggest draw in golf.  So Man Up and let us know the deal.  And stay your ass at home until Golf season cranks up again.

-Brock

But after the Pavlik fights, Taylor started to lose a step.  Then finally Boxing caught a hint and threw together the “Super 6″ event.  Take the 6 best guys in a weight class and make them all fight until you have an undisputed champ.  I like it.  Well, Taylor put up a solid effort last weekend, but was behind in the cards and needed a knockout.

I don’t think that was the kind of knockout he was looking for right there.  My boy Money J said that is the definition of “right on the button”.  I haven’t seen a boxer go down that hard in a long time.  The ref only counted to 7 before he shut it down.

Hey Jermain.  The party is over.  You are officially retired.  I hope you are a good trainer, or decent on the commentary mic, because no one should let you step into the ring anymore.  Time to shut it down.

-Brock

But anyone who can hold a cell phone and two Bud Light’s in one hand is good with me.

Respek.

-Brock

And apparently wore a condom on his head, or is Jewish or something.  Either way, it was hot.  The real problem is the suits.  They now allow suits that are basically flotation devices so the swimmer is really cutting through the water at this point.  The problem is all the records are being broken and when the suits are banned and it takes the human race 20 years to catch back up.  So what happens if you don’t have one of these suits?

You’re ass out.

-Brock

Drake is a pretty good rapper name, especially when your real name is Aubrey Graham.  But Drake caught his fist shot at fame on Degrassi as wheelchair Jimmy Graham.

Yeah, that is considerably less thugged out.  Well Drake actually has a real life knee injury right now.  He blew out his ACL and has been trying to tour with a bad wheel.  Well last weekend it all went bad.  He catches that L at 34 seconds.

Damn, talk about falling in a heap.  My man went down hard and stayed down.  Wayne clowned him too.  I haven’t seen anyone go out like that in a concert since cracked out K-Ci left Jo Jo passed out in the background while he kept singing.  Jo Jo taps at 1:48.

The bouncer is the one who plays him here, like that joint was part of the act.  Just grabs the microphone like it is all good.

Sheeeeeeit, I’m on a roll, so why not run that Beyonce.  She’s a f’n professional though.  She catches that L and knows that the show must go on.

You can’t stop B from swinging that weave dammit.

-Brock