It kind of goes without saying, but since Mr. JT has recently been back in the news for all this FCC/Supreme Court stuff, I figured I’d just reiterate it.  I mean, is there anything this cat hasn’t done?

I mean, he’s the one who pulled that J out, but nobody ever blamed him.  Nah, it’s gotta be the cougar’s fault (though I admit that it usually is).  Plus,

1.  Dude is hilarious

2.  The music is dope

Hot

Fire

Hype

3.  His women are riiiiiiidiculous.  Think about the pieces he’s had in his pocket like so many nickels and dimes.

Britney Spears when she was bad as sh*t

Alyssa Milano

Cameron Diaz

Well, nobody’s perfect.  Diaz is terrible.

Scarlett Johannson and them tig ole bitties:

I said dem bitties:

Jessica Biel, not now, but RIGHT NOW:

Plus face:

I mean, damn.  This cat has had every chick worth having short of Angelina, Halle Berry and Beyonce.  And let’s be clear, he very well could have hit any one of ALL of those babes too.  These are just the chicks we can confirm!

But it aint all positive.  Let’s not forget the Single Ladies debacle.

Sorry dude, but I don’t trust any man who can move his body like that…you were a little bit too convincing.  Plus, the unitard is only funny, when it doesn’t look like a legitimate outfit for you.  Dudes with the beer belly..something.  Not you, looking like you just showed up for dancing witht he stars practice.  Yikes.

- Lake

Triple Bzus in the Heezus,

UvT research coming up from the depths to give some stuff you would never find on your own.

The first is coming from my man, Justin Timberlake! Now down here in the bowels of UvT HQ we love JT. You gotta admit the boy done made a come up. He went from this

to this

and of course all of this

but the kid is also hilarious. If you haven’t seen him on SNL (he might as well be a cast member, he’s better than most of them) or caught his clownery on the red carpet. Then check out his latest wildness for those of you who are too smart to stay up too late to watch Jimmy Fallon do a poor man’s Conan O’Brien.

And let me assure you my good people, yes that is Bobby De Niro on the couch, and YES this show is terrible. JT absolutely saved it with that one moment. And I love how he acts like he’s gonna be an asshole and cuts the music and really just busts out with a dead perfect rendition. For those of you who wanna know how close it was to the original…..don’t sweat it. We are a full service research team. We got you covered; here’s the original for yall’s viewin pleasure.

Next sliding in the number 2 spot. Check out these 2 cats coming out of Pittsburgh.

They’re actually doing a parody of a parody but you gotta give points on execution and dedication. That car shot at 2:05…..

IT AIN’T RIGHT!

END

-Triple B

—————–UPDATE——————

That is the best use of Auto-tune that I’ve ever heard.  That shit is hot.

I know, I know, I haven’t even named the Us Versus Them movie of the year for 2008 yet in our second Annual UvT awards yet, but dammit I’ve already seen all I need to see.  You see Powder Blue is a powerful story about some things that happen, with people involved and a journey that brings them to the end of their long road…whatever.  Oh yeah, and Jessica Biel plays a stripper in the movie and I’ll be damned if she didn’t nail it!

I’m not talking Demi Moore mail it in ‘Striptease’ stripper.  I’m not talking Jamie Lee Curtis in ‘True Lies’ super awkward stripper.  And I’m definitely not talking Jesse Spano from Saved By the Bell, “this should be a lot sexier than it is”, damn this movie is terrible, ‘Showgirls’ stripper.  I’m talking about studied her craft, spent a month getting tips and tricks from strippers in Atlanta at Strokers, did she just make one booty cheek pop? stripper.

You know the tail piece is in effect.

talk about angle 2.  The slimmed out waist with the thick thigh?  With one foot balanced on the pole?  Justin Timberlake ain’t hittin that right maaaan.

What else we got?

[silence]

I really don’t have anything to say about that right there.  My man Rasheed Wallace is going to have to take this for me.

Yeah.  That pretty much covers it.

Oh no.  I can’t take it anymore.  Not the Wall Street Rex back arch.  Anything but that.  I mean dammit.  This isn’t “strike a pose, but can’t move” work here either.  I mean she’s really got the moves.  We knew that when she started shaking it to “Vote in the Box” back in November.

Okay fine.  I don’t know if I can sit through all of that sensitive content to get what I want, but the 4 minute YouTube recap that strings together all the stripper scenes is going to be pure gold.  Performance of the year right there.  I’m going to have to expand the White Girl Tail Scale by half a point for exceptional performance in a motion picture.

-Brock

Due to Brock’s social calendar and my quest to save the world along side my close colleague Barack Hussein, we didn’t post sh*t today. I know it’s low and terrible, particularly since we actually have posts that are semi ready, but that’s the cost of freedom people. Country First!!! Anyway, let me just leave you with one of the more pressing issues of our time, something that may tip the scales come Nov. 4: Is Jessica Biel losing arse mass?

Maybe it’s just a bad angle, I can tell you this though, those J’s are super-official. Wow. UvT loves Biel. Timberlake is perhaps the only upgrade on a down white boy to me. I mean, I got the game on lock, but this dude has the GAME ON LOCK!  He’s slayed Britney (the good one), Scarlett Johannson and Biel, just to name a few and you know he got lil piece of that Nelly Furtado, too.

Oh, no doubt, homey is the man, but he might wanna check to see that his lady is still doing those squats.

Jeez.

- Lake

J.T. gets his Obama on:

I know that the original “Dick in the Box” is one of Lake’s favorites.  I think it is because he actually used to dress like Color Me Badd back in the day, fake hightop and all.  But honestly, this isn’t about Justin.  Did you see the way Jessica Biel just dropped right into the beat back there?  I mean he struck up the beat and she immediately turned it to the side and started shakin that ass like she was on Soul Train.  And in case you forgot…

That tail game is a perfect 8 on the WGTS (White Girl Tail Scale).

Seriously though.  Justin was with Britney when she was still bad, Cameron Diaz when she was still relevant, and now Jessica Biel.  He really holds down the baddest babes in the game.  Somewhere out there there is some young unknown, bad as hell chick about to break into the game just marinating.  Justin already has her lined up for 2012 right now.  The dude just doesn’t stop.

-Brock

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

- Lake

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

- Lake